“Stop licking! NO.” That’s Angel yelling at our dog, P.S. right now. It stands for Peggy Sue, and that’s the name that she came with. We got her as a retired breeder from Indiana a couple years ago. P.S. has some quirks about her, but overall she’s a great dog. Well, having a dog, to my surprise, totally impacts your life. It did for me, at least. See, I never had a dog growing up. Other than some quick-to-die beta fish, the most that we had was a rabbit. Hazel (as we named her) never really did that much except try to run away whenever we let her out. Despite some annoyances (like the compulsive licking), P.S. does a few things that I try to do myself:
1. Dogs listen to you ramble. Around the time of our wedding, Angel was out of town a lot planning, and P.S. moved in with me. I was stressed with my old job and wedding stuff. P.S. was always there (what, it’s not like she’s going to the store or anywhere) and never seems to mind when I talk about life.
2. Dogs forgive you quickly. P.S., being only a bit taller than my ankles, has had a few accidental kicks from both Angel and me when she nips at our heels. Despite the kick, she always seems to forget about it in less than a minute. Angel and our friend Karen can attest to this, but I enjoy wrestling with our dog. P.S.? Doesn’t enjoy it as much as I do. Even after she gives me her dirty look, she always forgets about it and comes back.
3. Dogs aren’t picky. Listen, any animal that eats its own poop (remember how I said P.S. has some quirks?) doesn’t have discriminating tastes. I think if P.S. could talk, she would tell me that she likes any food, just as long as it’s not spicy. Do I think that it’s good to eat poop? I think that’s way too far (sorry to burst your bubble P.S.), but the idea of being flexible in your expectations is something that I think you can really learn from dogs.
4. Dogs are enthusiastic. You’d think that when I work all day and come home to let P.S. out, she would be pretty angry about that. Well, as I pointed out, she forgives pretty quickly. Not only that, but she gets excited about pretty much anything that I do with her.
5. Dogs continually seek to entertain you. P.S. has this quirk (yes, another one) about wrapping herself in her blanket until she’s a little mummy. When she’s ready to come out, it’s pretty hilarious:
So, that’s my list of 5. Do you have a dog? How do you think we should be more like dogs?
First off, I strongly recommend the book I’m reading right now: Surprised by Hope by NT Wright.
I think I read NT Wright in a Bible class at Wheaton, but I’m pretty sure it was the class I took with the worst Bible prof Wheaton has probably had. He was no longer teaching right after the semester I had him for New Testament. The highest grade in our class on our midterm exam was a D. For New Testament. At Wheaton College.
Anyway, because of the other negative parts of the class, I don’t think I paid much attention to Wright.
But now, reading through this book for pleasure and for desire of the knowledge it contains, I am really falling in love with Wright as a writer. He reminds me a whole lot of CS Lewis, and that’s pretty sweet, because he’s still alive. Hence, there is a chance I could interact with him some day. I probably won’t, but the mere prospect makes me happier to read his writing.
But on to the topic of the book…
Ever been confused about what happens when we die? There are a lot of scriptures about this, but I always felt confused. People say you go to heaven when you die. Movies show the saved knocking on St. Peter’s gates, being let in if they were good (or for Bible-fearing Christians, if their names were written in the Lamb’s book of life). Then the saints sit around worshiping God, falling on their faces and calling Him ‘holy’ for the rest of their lives.
I’ve heard that you see everyone you know when you get to heaven, that it’s okay to lose Christian loved ones to death, because they’re waiting for you “on the other side.”
And then there’s “the other side of the other side” aka hell. In youth group, I remember being shown a video about a girl who died in a car accident and went to hell. The video graphically showed a place of horrific terror. Then at the end of the video, the girl came back to life and knew that she had to change her life so she wouldn’t go to that awful place. I can’t count the number of altar calls I’ve heard given with the threat of “Do you know where you would go if you walked out of this building today and got hit by a bus?”
People die, they go to heaven if they’re good (or if they accept Jesus, depending on whether you’re a Christian or you’re following popular belief about life after death in our culture); they go to hell if they’re bad (or if they reject Jesus).
Okay, easy enough.
But then I knew the Bible has all this stuff about “new heavens” and “new earth.” What does that mean anyway? What is a glorified body? Do dead people have consciousness?
I won’t say any more for now because I have to go to bed, but I will say that NT Wright’s book answers these questions with great sensibility and understanding of Scripture. My thoughts on heaven, hell, salvation, resurrection, Kingdom of God, stewardship of the earth, and so much more have been radically transformed by this book. Check back soon for part two…
I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled this Friday, my first since last October. Not October as in three months ago, but the October before that, right after we got engaged. I knew that engaged women need to go to the doctor and figure out “family planning.” All the Christian relationship/engagement/sex books talk about that. So within three weeks of our engagement, Matt and I were sitting in the doctor’s office talking about contraception methods. I was nervous, as I always am when going to the doctor, but overall it wasn’t too awful. I didn’t feel like she gave us too many revelations, but she did support our decision to go with birth control pills as the cheapest, most foolproof method.
She scheduled me for a pap smear the next week and said she would write me a birth control prescription when I was ready to start taking it.
The next week I went back for the pap smear and promptly regretted our decision to get married. It was SO painful. I had heard that it would be uncomfortable, but that it shouldn’t be painful. So when it hurt, I told my doctor, and she tried a smaller instrument. It still hurt, just as badly, so she stopped and said that since it was hurting, I shouldn’t have a pap smear done until after I was sexually active.
Wait. So sex is going to hurt this badly??
I tried asking her some clarifying questions to see why it was better to have my husband hurt me this much rather than a doctor.
“It won’t hurt the same when you break your hymen having sex,” she said. “It will be quicker and you’ll want to do it. It’s better than having your hymen stretched during a pap smear.”
I walked out of the exam room with a newfound awe for every married woman I saw. I stared at the receptionist’s wedding ring as I turned in my paperwork after the appointment. How did she endure such pain? How is she so happy, calm, and normal?
I walked bowlegged for two days after that attempted pap smear, and it wasn’t even a FULL procedure! She never even got near the cervix!
So here we are, over a year later.
Our insurance has changed, so I’m going to a new doctor. Sex doesn’t hurt anymore (that is a story for another self-disclosing post), and I’m pretty sure my hymen is stretched enough to handle the pap smear this time.
But my general fear of doctors and my memory of the last pap smear are not making it easy to approach this next appointment with peace. What if she isn’t gentle enough? Honestly, the idea of anything touching my cervix still weirds the heck out of me, the same kind of feeling I get when someone tries to stick a finger in my belly button. It’s not painful, exactly, but it’s intolerable.
So that’s where I’m at this week…dreading Friday’s cold, sterile table, barely-there paper gown, and awkward stirrups. I guess it seems a little silly to pray about a pap smear in light of global tragedies like Haiti’s earthquake, but thankfully God is big enough to handle both. I will be praying during that appointment and asking for supernatural peace. I’ll let you know how it goes. Fortunately, I have Avatar to look forward to on Saturday as a reward for my suffering on Friday.
P.S. Something funny: When I showed this post to Matt, he said, “Wow. That’s really self-disclosing. But I like it. It’s from the heart…or from the cervix.”
I’ve determined that blog writing is difficult in the early stages. It’s the awkward time when you don’t really know who your audience is yet. And if you don’t have an audience in mind when you’re writing, writer’s block is pretty much guaranteed. At least for me. Maybe I’m too much of a people pleaser, but I’d like to think it’s because I’m a decent writer. I write in completely different styles, about completely different topics, and with varying levels of self-disclosure depending on who I imagine I’m writing to.
So I’m still playing around with who I think I’m writing to on this blog.
Ideally, we want to grow our readership and speak to people we don’t even know about super intimate topics (like how I’m terrified of my first married pap smear coming up soon). But for now, our readers mostly consist of close friends who click on our Facebook links and may not want to know about my pap smear fears. Hence, we continue writing glib, simplistic posts. You see the conundrum, right?
To remedy this problem, I will begin categorizing posts based on level of self-disclosure versus topics. That way, those of you who are totally weirded out by TMI about our marriage, our bodily functions, or emotions in general can skip to the more light-hearted posts (like about food and martial arts) or the strictly theological posts.
Matt’s not home right now and I haven’t talked to him about this (communication is very key in a healthy marriage, you know), so we may change this system up. But for now, look for the categories. I’m going to try out the new system by posting two more posts. One highly self-disclosing, one minimally self-disclosing with lots of theological pondering. Read accordingly.
For this post, we’re going to answer the questions Angel posed in a recent blog for her work blog, Inspired Faith.
1. How did God reveal His hand and presence in 2009?
A: For me, it was in many small ways throughout the year. It was a fairly tough year spiritually for me, mostly because of my stress from my job at the beginning of the year. I had a lot of pent up anger and frustration that kind of carried over into the entire year. Even now, I find my temper much more easily roused than ever before, and that makes it difficult to be sensitive to the Spirit in daily life. But continuing to stay plugged in at church and with other believers, including my wonderful husband, has helped provide reminders of God’s presence. Just the other night, when I lost my temper, instead of ignoring it and relishing my feelings of anger and frustration as I’ve done so much this year, I felt convicted and asked Jesus to renew my mind again. Not huge revelations or anything, but it’s what I need right now.
M: There have been a lot of job transitioning for me this year. At the beginning of the year, I started selling gym memberships. I knew it was going to be a demanding schedule and hard work, but I looked at it more of a stepping stone into a higher role in the gym. In fact, that’s what the GM told me: if you want to be a department head, then you have to start selling memberships. Fine, I thought, but I didn’t know what I would have to give up to fit their requirements. Even though I was told that I wouldn’t have to work Sunday mornings, I found myself scheduled in. I was at the club six days a week, all evenings. I was told to essentially lie to customers by saying, “This offer ends at the 15th of the month,” when I knew full and well that it didn’t. I wasn’t happy, and I began to see the company and people for who they are, not on the pedestal that I put them on. I’m not saying that I don’t like the company or my former coworkers, in fact the opposite. The company, in my opinion, has a good mission and vision, and the people who work there work hard and care about what they do. It’s just that our priorities clashed, and it really wasn’t working out.
So, I had been interviewing in March/April. I was meeting with some great folks in some great companies. Towards the end of April, I had an interview scheduled with a telemarketing company for a customer service role. The sticking point was that the only open time slot was during my shift at the gym. The day before my interview, I went to talk to my boss and we talked about how the job was going for me. I told him how our priorities were crossed, and he understood. He asked me, “Do you want to stick with us?” and, on the spot, I told him no (this was big for me, I’m pretty indecisive). That worked for the best, because the next day I found out that it was a working interview (interview, then try out the job,hiring decision made at the end of the day), and if I went to work at the gym that day instead of the working interview, I wouldn’t have gotten the job.
Unfortunately, the job was in sales at this telemarketing job. Fortunately, though, I got a call a week later from Simple Truths. Dan hired me to head up the Social Media campaigns, and that is where I have been ever since. To sum up, God has been faithful in a recession job market. He provided me with the right opportunity at the right time, even if it didn’t make sense to me.
2. What was your happiest moment?
A: Maybe TMI, but figuring out sex for the first time. In a non-TMI way, every time Matt and I have deeply connected emotionally.
M: I think my happiest moment of the year was watching Angel walk down the aisle… at Wal-Mart. Just kidding, at our wedding. Times like that let me know that I am really blessed.
3. What was your most defeated moment?
A: Lame, but the other night, I couldn’t get my windshield wiper on my car. When Matt and I were cleaning it off before I left for church choir practice and he was going to leave to talk to a tae kwon do school, I accidentally knocked the passenger side blade off. It was snowing that night and so cold, so trying to put it back on wasn’t easy for either of us. I also have a history of frustrating windshield wiper moments. Two years ago, when my blade came off, I accidentally snapped the metal attachment down and cracked my windshield, which later had to be replaced. Last year, I was replacing my wiper blades because the old ones were getting so bad, I almost crashed one day coming home from work in a snowstorm. (I was praying, “Jesus, just help me make it to Target and I’ll buy new wiper blades – I’ll even get the expensive ones.”) So anyway, I was putting the new expensive ones on last winter, and it took forever to get one of them on. I just have a hard time figuring out the mechanics while also freezing my rear off. So the same thing happened again this time. We were both having trouble putting it on. It was dark outside, and our fingers were getting numb from the cold. Finally, I told Matt to go ahead and leave, and I would go inside and watch the youtube tutorial on how to put them on that I watched last year. I watched the video, then went outside and tried again. Nope. Didn’t work. When my fingers were numb again, I came back in and watched another video tutorial. Went out again. Still didn’t work. I was so frustrated (precisely because I know it shouldn’t be hard to put on a windshield wiper blade!) I sat on top of the car, even though there was ice and snow on it and got my pants soaking wet because I was determined to do this simple thing. IT STILL DIDN’T GO ON. I finally came inside sobbing because my entire body was numb, my butt was wet, my fingers hurt, I was going to miss choir practice, Matt wasn’t even home anymore to take over on the installation, and I still hadn’t managed to get the blade on. Stupid reason, but definitely my most emotionally frustrating experience of 2009. The next day, Matt went out and put on the blade in the daylight and got it done in about 30 seconds. I love my husband.
M: I can point to two times, relatively similar. I’m still processing through them, so forgive me if they’re “duh!” moments for you. Anyway, both my Mom and Dad have been in the hospital in the last four-week period. They’re getting older, so it makes sense that they’re running into more health issues than before. What gets me, though is that the conditions they experience recently have been more lifestyle related than genetics related. This strikes a chord in me, because I bought them gym memberships, work out with them, and give them nutrition advice ( Am I a doctor? No, but I’ve picked up enough from working at the gym to know the basics). So, despite my efforts, they are still experiencing health issues that most likely could have been prevented.
I know that I need to respect their boundaries, and my parents will do what they will do. I can’t force them to work out every day, reduce stress, and eat right. Deep down, though, it still makes me feel like I’ve failed them. Like I couldn’t motivate them enough to change their habits and avoid illness. So, that’s where I’m left. Looking on the bright side, this has been a sobering month, and they’re realizing the need to make some changes. They are finding their own motivation, and that works out just fine for me.
4. What do you wish you had done more of?
A: Praying.
M: Staying on task.
5. What do you wish you had done less of?
A: Losing my temper.
M: Worrying.
6. What was the greatest book you read?
A: My memory isn’t really good enough to remember which books I’ve read in which year, but I do know one I read this year that was good was The Wasted Vigil by Nadeem Aslam
M: Trust Agents by Chris Brogan
7. What was the most meaningful film you watched?
A:Blindness
M:Food, Inc
8. What song reminds you of 2009?
A: “When I Fall in Love”
M: “Jai Ho”
9. Who was the most influential person you met?
A: Pastor Ross, Pastor Rich, and Bob (some of our leaders at Calvary)
M: Randall Ross
10. What did you do in 2009 that you had never done before?
A: Planned a wedding, got married, lived with Matthew, owned nice pots and pans (thanks to Matthew’s cousins and Leslie
M: Sex!
11. What were you most afraid of?
A: Getting pregnant and the implications that might have for our future plans.
